Letters from Derpy's Secret Mailbag
In all of Equestria, there's no pony quite like the Mail-pony of Ponyville. Her name is Derpy Hooves, and as the Ponyvillians say "Derpy by name, Derpy by nature." But they love her all the same, despite the mail sometimes being delivered late or to the wrong pony, because Derpy is the one pony you can tell your secrets to, and expect them to be kept.
Sometimes a pony of Ponyville needs to get something off his or her chest, but they don't want anyone to know about it. So they write it in a letter and give it to Derpy to deliver. And Derpy can tell, by the wistful look on the pony's face as they hand her the letter and by the fact that the letter has no stamp on it (for the Ponyville Post Office gives every pony a page of stamps the day after every Winter Wrap Up with their own unique cutie mark on them to use throughout the year), that the letter isn't meant to be delivered. So she puts it in her saddlebag, separate from the one with all the other letters and the one with all the muffins, and keeps it and its secret safe. And never once in all her time as the Mail-pony has she ever mixed the letters up!
But what if we could read some of those letters ourselves? I'm sure that - like Derpy - you can all keep a secret, and besides, since humans haven't been able to travel to Equestria for a long time now there's no harm in knowing a secret that you can't tell anyone, is there? So why don't we sneak a peek in her hidden saddlebag and see what secret thoughts and dreams we can find?
Pinkie Pie to Rainbow Dash
To my dearest, most favouritest ever pony Rainbow Dash,
This is a SUPER IMPORTANT letter filled with a SUPER IMPORTANT secret, and I just had to write it. It was like that time I ate that double-cream strawberry cake with my favourite hot-sauce icing (you know how much I love hot sauce icing!), and it got stuck part way down and my stomach went "Ggggrrrbbbbbbllll!" and I had to sit down really quick so that it didn't come back up (which would have been HORRIBLE!!!! Especially 'cause I'd already gone to the trouble of eating it, and I'd already started eating those SCRUMPTIOUS apple danishes!!)? Well, the secret I want to write down is kind of like that except that instead of my stomach going "GGGbbrrrrrrllll!" it's my heart that's doing it (but with a more "Thumpa! Thumpa! Thumpa!" kinda sound).
I KNOW I can be a bit crazy and zany and out there at times (remember how I kept feeling like somepony (who WASN'T a PONY!!) was secretly watching us all and our adventures and you said "Pinkie, that's just not possible!" and I said "It totally IS possible!" and you said "No it's not!" and I said "But it IS possible!" and we kept arguing until I got all pooped out and you shook your head and said "Oh Pinkie!", and flew away up into the sky to your little cloud castle?) but when I'm with you, I feel like everything just starts to make more sense you know? All the energy and craziness kinda gets sorted out somehow.
I just WISH I knew how to say this to you in person. But it's like when the Poison Joke zapped my tongue and I was all like "PPpppbbbttt!" and "Pssshhhbbt!" and nothing came out properly or made sense all the things I want to say to you seem to get all tied up and muddled and tangled and stuck, and I can't say a thing. And so I just smile at you Rainbow Dash, and when you smile back it's like a million fireworks exploding in a billion parties and a zillion balloons and streamers and confetti everywhere! But it's all still tangled up inside, and so I have to write this letter even though writing is hard (especially with a crayon!) to try and get less muddled up. Because I know I'll never, ever, ever be able to say "I love you Rainbow Dash!" without you thinking it's all just a big joke. And if I said it and you looked at me and said "Oh Pinkie, you big kidder!" I'm so sure I'd just tangle up even more, so much that it could never get untangled, and I'd never be able to laugh and joke and party again. And what's Pinkie Pie without a party? I'd JUST DIE!!!
So I've written those crazy words and it feels just a teensy bit better. And even though you'll never see it, I've written your name below with love hearts around it because you'll always be next to my heart, even if I can never shout it out in the middle of Ponyville so that everyone can know, which is the one thing I'd love to be able to do more than anything else in the world. (Well, maybe except for KISSING you!!!)
Love and kisses!!!!!
Spike to Rarity
Aw gee, writing this letter is so embarrassing. I'd better just try and finish it as quickly as I can. I sure hope what everyone says about Derpy being able to keep a secret is right....
Ever since I first saw you that day in your boutique, I've been in love with you. Your grace, your elegance, your fashion sense, your beautiful indigo mane that smells like purple froot loops....
I know that your eyes are set on Princess Celestia's nephew, and I know that I can never compare with him. He has some real big horseshoes to fill - and I'm just a baby dragon. I know I'm not as rich as he is, or as dashing, or as thoroughbred - I'm just Twilight's assistant. But everyone has to start somewhere, right? One day I'll be a big guy in Canterlot, one of Princess Celestia's head honchos, just you wait and see! Someday all of Equestria will know my name!
But maybe you think I'm too young? Well, I won't be a baby dragon forever. Remember the sleeping dragon you guys convinced to move away from Ponyville? One day I'll be as big as he was! And remember that huge pile of jewels and gold he was sleeping on? One day I'll have a hoard just as big! I've already started on it. To be honest, it's not much to look at at the moment - just the allowance I get from Twilight and some sparkly rocks I found in the river, but one day it'll be GIGANTIC! And I would give you the biggest, most sparkling jewel of the whole lot as a symbol of my everlasting love.
But please.... don't think I'm obsessed with treasure! I'd give it all away, all of it just for a single sparkle of your azure eyes, a single smile, a single kiss from your lips.
Um... give me a minute. I'm not crying! It's just all the dust in the air from Twilight's books...
But right now, I could never tell you how I really feel about you. I'm scared you'd laugh or, worse still, that you'ld just stare at me like I was crazy. And I can just see how Twilight would react: "Spike, don't be so silly. Rarity's a pony and YOU'RE a dragon a baby dragon! You're completely mismatched. You should meet a girl dragon your own age."
But I don't want a girl dragon! I want you, Rarity. You're all that I want.
Yeah, I know it's impossible. But you can't blame a guy for trying, can you?
Umm... how about if I had a moustache? A beard, maybe? How about some pronounced eyebrows?
Twilight to Princess Celestia
My dearest Princess Celestia,
It's been almost a year now since You sent me on my mission to Ponyville to rediscover the Elements of Harmony and to make new friends and report back to you on the subject of Friendship, and I hope that the information I have been supplying You with has been useful to You. My new friends here in Ponyville have taught me so many things that I wish I'd known while I was studying in Canterlot, things like being true to your feelings, not being afraid, and being honest to those you love.
The truth, my dearest Princess Celestia, is that despite all my adventures here in Ponyville with my new friends, my thoughts always seem to come back to You. As my teacher and mentor, it was You who taught me how to harness Unicorn magic and how to wield it responsibly, to aid others and to maintain Your peace and order throughout Equestria. This role as Your servant and student was all I ever wished for.... until now.
Now, I fear, I'm compelled by my feelings to do something rash and foolhardy oh, I remember how many times as a young and enthusiastic filly I was admonished by You to always look before I leapt! "My dearest student," You would say, "Magic is a mighty gift and a grave responsibility. With it you can do not only great things... but also terrible ones as well. So you must always ensure that you consider carefully the repercussions of anything you might decide to do." I'm afraid that, in order to be true to my own feelings, I've had to forget about this lesson of Yours just for a little while at least.
The truth is, my dearest teacher, is that my feelings for You extend beyond those of an affectionate student, or those of a faithful servant. I worship You, not only as my Princess, not only as my teacher, but also as my dear, dear Celestia. I worship and love You as the beautiful, radiant and compassionate pony who took pity on the little mousy-maned unicorn you found crying in the hallway of Canterlot Castle one morning after she was bullied by the other unicorns for being unable to do even the simplest magic. I love you as the one who believed in me, when I didn't believe in myself, the one who loved me and taught me how to love myself, the one who had the patience and kindness to help me, even though I was the bottom of my class, conquer my self-doubt and succeed. And when I cried from fear or loneliness or the pressure of my studies, it was you who nuzzled me and licked away my tears and wrapped me up in your mane.
I love you, Celestia, and every day I imagine myself curled up safe and warm and loved, wrapped up in your mane just as when I was a little filly, your scent in every breath I take, the beat of your heart next to mine.
But I know Your feelings for me are those of a teacher, or maybe even those of a mother, and that even if I master every aspect of unicorn magic, I will never be able to wish into existence the one thing I truly, truly wish for: for you to be my lover and to live with me and never leave me.
And so I've written this letter, not on a scroll for Spike to send to you as you sit on your throne in Canterlot Castle, but on ordinary paper, with an ordinary pen, and soon, when Derpy Hooves the Mail Pony arrives, I'll give it to her and maybe, just maybe, for a few moments the heavy weight of my feelings will be lifted from me and I can rest without the light of your eyes and the warmth of your scent haunting me, as it has every other night.
Your faithful student (oh how painful it is to write that now!)